It’s good to be home

After two weeks on the road, it’s good to be home. The last two weeks wore me out. People make fun of me when I say that sitting in meetings all day will make you tired, but it’s true. If you really want to know what it’s like, here’s what I suggest:

1. Find the most uncomfortable chair in your house and place it off center from your TV. Your viewing angle should be steep enough that you subconsciously lean over in an effort to improve your view.

2. Invite six friends to join you in watching eight hours of the most boring infomercials you can find on TV. Discuss and critique each performer’s believability, enunciation, and hairdo.

3. Only take potty breaks every one and a half to two hours. If you find that you really have to go really bad, wait for three hours to take your break.

4. Serve snacks that are high in sugar content to encourage a momentary rush of energy followed by long periods of drowsiness. When you start feeling drowsy, turn your TV to the programming channel and read about the PBS shows coming on later in the day.

5. Take turns predicting the future. Let each person in the room tell what they believe the world will be like in five, ten, and twenty years. As each person shares their point of view, everyone else should point out the flaws in their logic. Encourage arguments about the effects of obscure technical issues outside the control of mankind, such as sunspots or near-earth orbit.

6. Ensure someone’s cell phone rings every ten to fifteen minutes. The only acceptable ringtones shall be “It’s a Grand Old Flag,” “The Charleston,” or “Hamster Dance.” The person receiving the call should stand and proceed slowly to the next room before answering. Answering the phone while seated is not socially acceptable unless it is from a family member and you are willing to carry on the conversation at normal speaking volume.

On second thought, just volunteer for jury duty. It’s the closest thing I’ve found yet.